What do you write in a wedding card?

Short, warm and specific. A wedding card is read once on the day, and then - unlike almost everything else bought for a wedding - it is often kept for decades in a box with the others.

That is the whole case for spending five minutes on it rather than thirty seconds.

The structure that works

Four short parts, and you can drop any of them except the third.

• Congratulate them. Once, properly. Repeating it in three different phrasings is what people do when they have nothing else to say.
• Say something about the day. If you are writing on the day itself, one true observation about it - the ceremony, the setting, the moment one of them cried.
• Say something specific about them. The part that matters. One thing you actually know about this couple that could not be written on anyone else's card.
• Wish them something. Short. Resist the urge to write a blessing.

If you write only the third part, you have written a better card than most of the pile.

What to write, by who you are

Close friend. Warmth first, humour second, and keep the humour affectionate rather than about marriage as an institution. You can reference how they met or how long this took; you cannot make jokes about escaping.

Family. Say something about welcoming the person marrying in. Families consistently forget to do this in writing, and it is remembered for a very long time when someone does.

Colleague. Sincere and brief beats familiar. Two good sentences from a colleague read far better than a strained attempt at intimacy.

Plus one who barely knows them. Congratulate them and thank them for including you. That is a complete and appropriate card.

What to leave out

• Marriage-is-hard humour. "Ball and chain", "last chance to escape", "rather you than me". It is a keepsake; it ages in a drawer.
• Advice. Nobody has asked for your view on what makes a marriage work, and a card is a poor venue for it.
• Anything about children. Ever, from anyone.
• Money talk. Do not mention what you have given or reference the cost of anything.
• Anyone's ex. Not even as a joke, not even a very good one.

Handwriting, and other practicalities

Write it before you go, not in the car. Cards written in a rush in a car park are visibly cards written in a car park.

If your handwriting is genuinely difficult to read, write more slowly rather than less - the effort shows and is itself part of the message. Sign it in a way that makes clear who you are: a couple both signing, or a first name alone where the surname is needed, causes real confusion when the couple work through the pile weeks later.

If you are bringing the card with a present on the day, attach it to the gift or hand it over separately and say so. Debrett's advises labelling presents clearly and asking on arrival where they should be left - the same applies to the card, which otherwise becomes detached from the thing it explains.

If you are the couple: write back

Thank-you notes after a wedding are the convention, and Debrett's treats a written note after the event as the gracious step even for guests thanking hosts.

Keep a list as you open presents. Every couple who did not do this wishes they had.

Related: wedding gift etiquette and how much to spend. For an anniversary rather than a wedding, see what to write in an anniversary card.

The wider path: the wedding.

Written by Craig Fearn, Printed Weddings.