What is wedding gift etiquette?

Wedding gift etiquette is mostly three things: reply on time, use the list if there is one, and write afterwards. Everything else is detail.

The detail is worth having, though, because most of the ways a guest causes a problem are logistical rather than social - and they are all avoidable.

The gift itself: use the list, and do it early

Debrett's is brisk about this. If you are buying from a wedding list, do it promptly when you receive the information, and there will be no last-minute panic. Lists exist because guessing is hard and duplicate toasters are real; using one is not unimaginative, it is the system working.

If you are bringing a present on the day rather than having it sent, two practical instructions that guests routinely miss: label it clearly, and ask as soon as you arrive where presents should be left. Carrying a large parcel around a drinks reception helps nobody, and an unlabelled gift becomes an anonymous one by the time it is opened.

Where details of the list are held should have arrived with the invitation, along with any other gift requests the couple have made.

Reply promptly, and mean it

The RSVP is where guests do the most damage without noticing.

Hosts are usually juggling limited numbers and a reserve list, so a clear, prompt, unambiguous reply is a genuine kindness. A provisional answer that depends on other circumstances is worse than a no.

And once you have accepted, you have committed. Debrett's puts it plainly: it is extremely discourteous to change your mind because a better opportunity has come along. A wedding place has been paid for.

Obey the invitation about children and plus ones

If the invitation makes clear that children or plus ones are not included, that is the answer - no wheedling and no requests for special treatment. Numbers at a wedding are a budget, not a preference.

If the invitation is genuinely ambiguous, ask politely for clarification rather than assuming. What you must not do is resolve the ambiguity in your own favour and arrive with extra people.

Sort your own logistics out

Read everything that came with the invitation: timings, accommodation, transport, parking. Your aim, in Debrett's framing, is not to bother the hosts with your own logistical issues, because they have enough. If something goes wrong, solve it yourself or ask another guest.

On timing: you must arrive before the couple. Aim to be there at least thirty minutes before the ceremony is due to start, and build in contingency - country roads before a rural wedding are slow and unpredictable.

Dress: look good, do not compete

If no dress code is specified and the wedding is very traditional, that means morning dress, suits, highland dress or military uniform for men, and smart dress for women, with hats generally worn. A more contemporary reading is suits and ties, and smart day dresses. Anything non-traditional will be specified on the invitation.

Two constants regardless of code. Avoid head-to-toe white or cream. And all-over black reads as sombre for a celebration unless it is broken up with colour. Look as good as you can without outshining the couple - it is not the day for one-upmanship.

On the day: the short list

• Do not mob the couple. Approach them when they are free, congratulate them briefly, and let them go. A wedding day is not the occasion for a proper catch-up.
• Put the phone away. Switch it off for the ceremony. Take a few discreet pictures if you must, flash off, and do not spend the reception hunched over a screen. Live the day rather than posting it.
• Go with whatever has been planned. Dancing, a band, a fire pit, close-up magic - participate willingly.
• Pace the drinking. Free drink for hours is a trap; alternate with water.
• No carping. The food may be overcooked and the speeches long. Say nothing to other guests. Your job is to stay positive.
• Circulate. Do not huddle with the people you already know. Look out for wallflowers and older relatives; "how do you know the couple?" is a perfectly good opening.

Write afterwards

Thanking the hosts on the day is appreciated if you can get to them. Beyond that, Debrett's calls a thank-you note after the event a gracious gesture, and it is the part that separates a guest people remember warmly from one they simply remember attending.

It is short. You are thanking them for the day, saying one specific true thing about it, and stopping.

Related: how much to spend on a wedding gift, and what to write in the card.

The wider path: the wedding - the etiquette, the spend and the words, in one place.

Written by Craig Fearn, Printed Weddings.